This week, my *on the grind until July* plans came to quite the halt after I got what I at first thought was food poisoning, and then turned out to be Covid! It was… not fun. I had to cancel an event I was hosting at my studio plus an all day vending event along the Pride Parade route at Spark Social - one of my new favorite DC spots!
While I indeed lost out on substantial revenue as a result, I gained some very welcome time to be in quietude, in stillness. (Def don’t recommend getting or spreading covid - but I’ll take whatever bright sides I can!)
Admittedly - I spent way more of this time than I’d like to just scrolling social media. It’s quite addictive and an all too easy way to just pass time when you’re not feeling so great. Still, as I started to get my energy back, I used the time to do quite a few things I really welcomed with this unexpected slow down! Cue: Laundry!
Thursday morning, I lay a blanket and some pillows outside and read and journalled until the sun snuck its way into my once shady spot. Laying there, I reminisced on the times I didn’t have much direction in my life - I was working as the desk manager at Circle Yoga Cooperative and often a restaurant job - with many a day to simply frolic! I had my first jewelry business, but still never really knew or had the discipline to move the needle very far forward with it. So frolicing was quite the thing! Walks in the park, visits to the thrift, road trips, hangs with friends, cooking of elaborate meals, an hour at least of meditation and study most every morning. I read ALOT. I traveled, I went on retreats… I didn’t think much about my future. I didn’t know how.
I smiled at how much I have evolved since those days - I feel grounded in my being and actually at peace with who I am. I have DREAMS! I have Purpose. Still - I realized there is one thing that past era of myself had that I now crave oh so deeply… Time. And really, Freedom to play with said Time.
I really do not gift myself such full-on dilly dally days as I once did. Days that didn’t need to have a point to them. Even when I do, I’m still ALWAYS thinking about my studio work and feeling the pressure of sustaining, much less "succeeding" with it.
Have I lost the ability to relax?
Yesterday felt like one of those perfectly relaxed days with Time on my side. I’m still kinda tired, but the rest of my symptoms have cleared and so I spent the morning gardening with my mom. I kept my mask on even outside since it’s better to be safe than spreading. I LOVED having my hands in the dirt. Following thru on finally potting those herbs I had gotten for my mom for Mother’s Day to line the kitchen window. And then completing the in-ground herb garden with her - sitting on the patio and bringing the potting dirt over while she dug the holes. **see pictures with our assistant Millie**
Time didn’t move fast or slow - time simply was.
Afterward, I lay on the porch and finished The Book of Love by Kathleen McGowan - the second of a trilogy, a modern and ancient story (starting with The Expected One and now onto The Poet Prince) uncovering the story of Mary Magdalene and the true teaching of Jesus: Love. I ate up the first book in a week last summer, and this one I had been lagging on the first half over this past year. This week, I was back to being enthralled. And once I send this email, I’m going to start up on The Poet Prince!
Something in these books healed me. Last year, it was the discontent I’d felt for the church, what had long felt like gaslighting - this year, it seems to be my own bravery. I contemplated what it takes to claim our Truth. To honor the multifaceted aspects of our being - and most especially, to Trust in the process.
I could say SO MUCH MORE about Mary Magdalene, the Divine Feminine, Love, and all that jazz here ~ alongside what seems like the abuse of power and attachment to power that has gotten us spiritually and politically where we are today.... But that really wasn’t the point of this email!
The point I want to share is that the stillness made me come to terms with the fact that I can’t keep up with my business as I have been. I am so proud of all I’ve created! And still, Jen Pape Designs currently relies on the grind of my body and time - constantly at the pressure of delivering and keeping up with production, and showing up to long hauls of in-person markets - this month I had 10 scheduled! Eek! My being is TIRED.
I’m unsure what this means just yet - I still love powder coating and most certainly designing art for folks to adorn themselves with! I still plan to complete my casting studio and start melting down metals and making them into new somethings! I just can’t do it as I have been. It isn’t sustainable and it has been at the expense of my most precious commodity: Time and Freedom. And as I said to myself when I stopped working at restaurants… When does a job become too expensive to keep up with?
Come July, I’m going to shut down the shop front of my website and use the summer to re-structure in a way that can better suit my well being. Plus take the time to do something that’s been seeded in me… to write more 🙂
What do you do with Time? What do you find to be most precious in your own life?
I’d love to hear from you!
In Loving Service,
Jen
OH and P.S. Thanks to my second cousin once removed, Martha - who said she would love to see those art works I’ve threatened myself with releasing should I not get a newsletter out each week… I decided that if I do make it thru these next 75 days making sure I keep up with a weekly newsletter, the REWARD for keeping it up and for you all staying tuned, will be that I will share some of those behind the scenes pieces that I feel super shy about! So - one way or another… if you’re curious, keep in touch!